We hit a big first anniversary about 4 weeks ago....1 year since we learned that I was carrying twins. It was a bit of a tough time for me but for the most part I focused on the positive thoughts from that time. I also took some photos a week or so after that of Cameron that really help to put the twin image in my mind....it's been so hard for me to imagine what it would have been like to have both Cameron and Cole in our lives....so very hard to picture what Cole looks like despite being identical to Cameron. So here are some images for you to enjoy! I have also posted parts of a letter I wrote to my boys on that anniversary.
Dear Cameron and Cole;
There are so many things from that day that I’d change if I could but I can’t. So instead I am going to try to remember as many things about that day and the days that followed as I can.
I still remember the ultrasound tech saying ‘I have some news for you…there’s two babies in there’. I teared up as she showed me the two of you for the first time but it wasn’t tears of sadness or even of joy…just of disbelief at the amazing thing that was happening.
The world kind spun around me abit as I walked out of the clinic and I went to tell Daddy. He came around the corner of the van and asked me what I was so worked up about. I think his comment was ‘what is it…twins?’ When I told him yes he broke into a huge grin and started hugging me as I, admittedly, cried. He told me it was going to be fine, that we would make this work. I was becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the thoughts of two newborns, no room in the house, double daycare etc. Daddy kept assuring me it was going to be fine.
I had to leave to go and get your brothers from Cheryl’s as I was already an hour later than I had thought I would be. I called Grandma on the way there and got her while she was walking through the IPM grounds. I told her she needed to sit down. When she asked me why I told her I’d had my ultrasound today. AND was her response. When I said “it’s twins mom” she said “no shit, Jod!!!”.
And as I drove to Teeswater to attend the IPM the world began to spin and shift again and I cried again. How could I do this, how could I manage? How could we afford this? Why us?
But then my typical organizing self took over and began crunching the numbers…if I had this many Epicure parties a week, found a weekend shift doing this, got this much government money for ALL the kids I was going to have….yup we could do this.
That day in Teeswater was one of the best days of my whole pregnancy. I saw Grandma and Papa within a short while of reaching the IPM and they were both so excited. Papa even picked me up in a huge bear hug. They had told so many people already and we all continued to tell everyone all day. I showed the ultrasound to everyone I saw. I loved the attention that you were bringing me. Everyone was so very excited and although I was overwhelmed and scared I was pretty excited too.
I have so often wrote about the guilt I have felt about not being excited about having twins. but when I look back I realize I was excited but I was also realistic. By being realistic and worrying about the things that were going to be hard I was beginning, early, to solve the problems we might have before they arrived. It seemed to me like I wasn’t enjoying my twin pregnancy when I first looked back at it but the more I think about it the more I realize and remember how much I marveled at all things ‘twin’. It was the most special time of my life and for as much as I wasn’t jumping up and down and showing overt excitement I know that I was so very happy, so excited and so eager to meet you both.
Every time I had an ultrasound I asked for copies so I could show off my latest pics of my babies. I remember returning to work and showing them off each time and then rushing home and scanning them and posting them on Facebook. Now if that’s not an excited mommy, I don’t know what is!!! I also remember the joy I’d feel as I got to see you moving on the screen, the wonderment of it all!!!
It was pretty early in the pregnancy when I started feeling you moving…just flutters at first, but lots of it. It never got be a lot of distinct movements, never got to the stage where I felt like I was being kicked all over. I wonder now if that was so I wouldn’t miss as much being pregnant with two active babies after God took you home Cole. But you were both busy boys for a few weeks. And you sure made mommy grow bigger and bigger. I dreamed of matching outfits, matching Halloween costumes (that I wouldn’t put on you… I swore I wasn’t going to do that to my twins!!). I wondered all the time if you were boys or girls. I joined twin groups, searched hours for strollers and finally in early November ordered the ‘perfect’ one. I looked for cribs and equipment every place I could and spent hours planning and getting ready.
It was the most exciting time of my life and I loved every minute of it.
And since today is about the memories of the good times, of the coolest day of my life I am going to sign off now by telling you both that I love you both so very much!